Thursday, February 3, 2011

Audition Recap - Los Angeles / Online Contestants

 We start off showing 3 of my favorites to date:  Bret Lowenstern, 15 year old girl, and scat dude,  which is a welcome from the black & white text flashing across the screen apologizing for someone.

The new intro does it's magic (gag) and we find out that we're in Hollywood.   We hear some Lady Gaga and see the crowds,  they explain the online auditions.   The judges arrive in 3 separate stretch limos (what, no skull & crossbones horse carriage this time)?  and we notice that JLo almost pulls a Britney coming out of the limo because her shorts are riding up,  Randy is wearing some god-awful gold metallic shoes (that J Lo cracks up at when she sees them), and ST has a skull shirt (?) and rocker jacket on.  Steven seriously looks like a Tim Burton claymation creation. But it works for him.  It makes me raise my eyebrows less when he is caught using drugs not once, but twice on camera (getting out of the car).  I'm not sure where we are, but surprise, the judges are in a long room with a wall of windows behind them.

Our first contestant is Victoria Garrett and swears that God brought her to these auditions.  She sings, no screams, some Gospel music.  Randy says she sounds like an animal, Steven "baas" and JLo lets her down easy.  I think ST is wearing an Aerosmith t-shirt?!  Is he really?   I wish I had the balls enough to wear a t-shirt promoting myself.   Victoria struggles to pull her contestant sticker off (told y'all it was hard!)  and badmouths JLo.  So much for being Christian!

The second contestant of the day has a big crush on Jennifer Lopez and looks 12.  We find out his name is Tim Halperin and he's actually 23.  He is singing "She will be Loved" by Maroon 5 and Jennifer seems to be *really* feeling it, if you know what I mean.  It's okay-- it sounds exactly like an acoustic version of the original.   He confesses he grew up with her and watched her when she was little, she asks how old he is, he asks how old she is (shut up!)-  Tim gets a yes from Steven, a no from Randy, Jennifer calls Randy an asshole and lets Tim through based on tone,

We're back and we're notified that it's 11am.   What happened to 10am?  Are we on Los Angeles time?   Seacrest brilliantly points out that some contestants are good and some bad (stay out of it, Seacrest)

Justin Carter is a 27 year old who Jennifer says lacks &%*#  (balls?)   - we then see Randy & Jennifer arguing about it, continuously getting bleeped while ST just sits there looking innocent.  I guess today Cowell is in Randy's body and ST is in JLo's?  What is going on in here?  It's going to be a wild day according to Randy.

Next up is two buddies who are auditioning, Isaac Rodriguez (who looks like Napoleon from SYTYCD) and Daniel Gomez (who looks like Adam Lambert and Justin Bieber's lovechild).  I get the feeling from their interview that they are more than buddies, but that's for you to decide. Apparently Issac dropped out of school recently and didn't tell his parents yet.  I almost feel sorry for his mom as she goes on about her college son.  (That's not all he hasn't told his parents)  Daniel is first singing "I'll be" and it is worse than a trainwreck.  Not even close to sounding like what it's supposed to sound like.   The judges say it's not for him. Issac is next and is just as bad but in a more upbeat way.  He adds dance moves to his rendition of "Build me up, Buttercup."  Neither of these boys is bad enough that they deserve to be featured as bad, I'm sure if they weren't friends they wouldn't have even been shown.   They're both precious though, particularly Issac.  Props also to Idol Producers, who listed Issac's occupation as "college student?"   -- love the subtle little things they like to throw in there.  JLo says he has a nice small and ST says he set the song on fire.  Randy continues being the Simon replacement.
Both boys say their goodbyes in front of the Blue Screen of Death and we see a montage of how happy they are regardless.

We're back and we see some crazy dancers, a packed auditorium shot, the 3 judges arriving in separate limos (such a waste of gas and money!)  and JLo in a doo-rag?  Gasp!  It is a very posh doo-rag, I must say, but very unexpected from her.   Apparently today is for the online auditioners-- I have a feeling it's going to be the best of the best and worst of the worst... maybe finally some excitement!   (Can't believe the onliners got half of a one-hour show),

First up is Karen Rodriguez, who is great and wearing an adorable little cropped biker jacket, striped shirt, black leggings, okay, nevermind, that's for another blog, but she's really good.  Apparently she sang for JLo once on TRL a long time ago.  Jennifer does not seem to remember this at ALL.
She's through, and talking about becoming the first Latina American Idol.  It looks very possible at this point and we have some Selena playing in the background.

Uh oh, the next one has brought her own microphone, and as they show Tynisha Roches doing a split in front of the Blue Screen of Death (the aerial shot lets me indeed confirm that it's a screen),  I know that this can't be any kind of good.  This girl has a very unique look and let me just say that all of her features are separately perfect but do not go together.  She also keeps growling like a cheetah at the camera, and says  "artistsssses"  She's dressed very well though despite all of these shortcomings and I can't wait to see what she's got.  She does have manners, as she knocks on the audition doors and then walks in and says she doesn't need the mic because her voice is big enough, but then holds the mic the entire time.  A few more growls and before I even hear her sing I know this girl has locked herself into a place at the Idol finale.  And the song?  A Frank Sinatra medley.  It just keeps getting better and better!  She's 25, from New Jersey (figures, no offense to my Jersey friends), and occupation is listed as "Entertainer".  Oh Idol producers, I am carefully watching your name plates tonight!    She changes the lyrics to "judges", forgets words,  clearly has an "s" lisp, and what's really scary is I have to admit that some of the notes are actually strong and beautiful but the rest of it has to be a joke.  Wow.  JLo cleverly notices that when Tynisha said she already had 3 albums the latter part of that sentence was "waiting to be composed..." Randy continues to be a douche, and walks out as she runs after him, now changing her song to "And I am telling you"  from Dreamgirls (I have no idea the actual name of that song or where it came from but you ALL know what song I'm talking about....  because you're gonna love me!)   J Lo and ST erupt into laughter,  they come back around into the room again (it's literally like a cartoon where the two characters are chasing each other in circles around a rock and we can see who's in the lead but they can't) and the entire production staff is not even trying to hide their laughter anymore.  Randy tries to pull the microphone out of Tynisha's clutches but she is not having it.   This has Idol finale written all over it, but I don't even care if it's staged anymore, it's just too darn amusing. Finally some excitement.  Randy enlists ST's help and she starts singing again,  finally Security escorts her out.   We did significant damage to our song #s though, ST has no chance of catching up, even though he did sing one after she left.  Let's look at the numbers:

ST songs: 1  Contestant songs: 9
Way to go Tynisha, who also manages to call Randy the Pillsbury Doughboy before she finally leaves.
If there's NOTHING else you watch about this entire episode, make sure you watch Tynisha Roches. 25-30 minute marks.

Back from break (oh goodness, is it only 30 minutes through?)  and we have a bellydancer (Heidi Khzam) along with ST singing and Randy Jackson drumming.  The boys love her (shocker) and she finally sings.  And she can sing, too?   It's not enough that she's thin, beautiful, and a bellydancer too?   Her voice isn't great but of course the boys think she's "the best they've ever sing"

Okay y'all,  I just saw the next contestant walk in and literally could not type I was so overcome.   I have so much to say,  it looks like we need a part 2 to this audition post!  To be continued... 

Our counts so far: 

ST songs: 1
Contestant songs: 9
# of Contestants: 5
# of ST curse words:
# of JL curse (bleeped) words: 3
# of Randy bleeped words: 1
# of ST isms:

Stay tuned!!!

1 comment:

  1. I was really disappointed with the show. When they said that tonight we'd see the online qualifiers I really thought we'd see some great talent. Instead they chose to make it the laugh reel. The goofy man from Arkansas, I was ashamed to be watching TV. There's a line between "dumb guy that thinks he's entertaining" and a borderline mental handicap. The cooper guy had me feeling like we just watched the latter.
    There was one worthwhile singer in the whole hour and that was Karen Rodriquez. John Wayne and the Al Queda guys at the end disguised as chicanos were mildly talented but they'll be first line throwaways in Hollywood. I really felt like last night stole one hour of my life that i'll be bargaining with god about on my death bed.